Keeping Expectations in Check

A little over a week ago, my husband and I returned from our first real vacation together. We left on a cruise ship from Los Angeles and we ended up in Vancouver, B.C., where we hopped on a couple airplanes and came back home a week after it all began. On our voyage, we stopped in San Francisco, and Victoria, B.C. and it was just lovely. I will definitely post pictures soon!

Only days before we left, Alex finally defended his thesis. It was sweet relief to know that we could leave for vacation he didn't have to think about school! He was done! We had a lot of talks about or future goals, his new employment, and how we wanted to move forward in life now that he was done with grad school. This has been what life is all about for almost two years now!

For the last two years, we have talked and talked about what would happen next after Alex was done, "What will we do?" "Where will we go?" "What will be our next big adventure?" We (I) truly thought we would be high-tailing it out of here and on to other big things! God had other ideas in mind, though.

For months, I've felt God tugging and twisting on my heart and completely changing my perspective on what I thought I wanted. I've prayed for him to make my plans His plans, and that He would help my desires be His desires. But I craved change and adventure!

This vacation; a time of talking about the future, wrestling through uncertainty, feeling like we were in limbo with potential opportunities on the horizon (and not knowing whether to run to them), was when we finally let go of all that uncertainty. I don't think we knew that at the time, but I realize it now. We felt motivated and excited to start fresh in this new phase of life once we were home, it was going to be a good and productive week!!

... Little did I know it would be an awful week. Truly, there are worse weeks to be had, but this one took the cake for me at least in recent months AND considering we had just returned from such a fun vacation.

But really, a week with triple digit temperatures, and no working AC in the car? I was a WRECK every evening when I got home. The car would sit baking in the sun all day waiting for me to get in it and take my 30 minute commute! It didn't matter if I had had a good day or not, it was all forgotten when I walked in our front door dripping in sweat and feeling disgusting. One evening when I got home, my body temperature was over 100! We also lived in a pigsty for a week... neither of us able to find the determination to unpack/do laundry/do dishes. Alex also got sick, like... "I'm just going to lay here in bed for a few days because there's literally nothing else I can physically do" kind of sick. Really, every day last week was a grouchy, stubborn, hot, annoying day and we could not get our acts together.

I also found out that one of my very close friends here would be going through a personal tragedy unlike any other and I was/am hurting for her. She is truly a soul-friend and I don't know what else I can do but seek the Father for her.

Very high ups happen, and very deep lows happen, too. But He remains consistent.

With the week being so off, we still heard God through it all and He calmed our spirits, He clarified to me that I am too invested in the future and not invested enough in the present. Are we headed off to another big adventure? We are already in the midst of it. Are we going to put down roots? We already have been! We are done being in limbo, and we are excited and at peace that this is our home, at least for now. We are so blessed with the employment opportunity Alex has been given and this exciting time of learning and growing for both of us. Sometimes we are surprised with awful weeks when we expect good ones, but it's all for His glory! And I'm learning to keep my expectations and futuristic tendencies in check!

Praise Him for the wonderful, tight grasp He has on our lives.

We are right where we are supposed to be.

Vancouver, B.C.

The Working Wife

This week has been an odd one for me so far. Work has been good. Home has been good. House is clean. Husband is happy. Kitty is happy. Everything is good. But I have been struggling with something this week... and I struggle with it from time to time.

I want to be a homemaker. A stay-at-home-wife. I want to cook and clean and have dinner on the table at the end of the day before it feels too late to eat. I want to get up and do grocery shopping in the morning. I want to get some bigger cleaning projects done that I know will take several hours. I want to start couponing.

Instead of all of those things, I go and sit at a desk all day dreaming about our little apartment and my husband and our kitten. I go home at the end of the day and squeeze in cooking a quick dinner (Emeals- woot woot!), put up my feet for a little while, maybe manage to clean the litter box and do some dishes, and then go to bed. That's my every day.

Most weeks, I don't dwell on this. Don't get me wrong - I am so blessed to be in a position that I can get my husband through school. I'm so happy he chose me and that we are on this path together. I'm so dumbfounded when I truly realized just how much God has blessed us with everything we have that I'm sometimes left speechless.

Sometimes though, I just can't shake that desire that seems to be ingrained in me. And maybe, maybe it will happen someday.

I'm thankful that I have a husband who would support me either way. He would love for me to be a stay-at-home-wife but he is totally cool with me being a working woman, too. We are both passionate about me being home full-time once we have children, though. I try to keep a realistic perspective and understand that things may not go that way. God may have other plans that don't match my plans.

One thing I do know for sure is that I'm thankful for my job. I am thankful for the people I work with and the small intricate details God worked out for me to be here. I will probably never fully understand His ways, but I know His ways are perfect.

It's funny, the challenges we have faced with my working full time and Alex being in school full time were not necessarily the challenges we thought we would face. It just goes to show that not everything is predictable. This whole journey has been a lot of guessing which door is the best to walk through without getting to peak first. As we approach Alex's April graduation (which is coming fast!), we are faced once again with several doors. There are a variety of options of what could be next, but it's truly impossible to choose without God leading us.

I guess I'm saying all of this to really say, that even when things are necessarily your idea of ideal, God still blesses, provides, and nurtures. He still loves unconditionally, and he helps when you are down. What I thought wasn't ideal turned into my life, my version of normal. I am a working wife putting her husband through grad school. And I'm SO thankful. But he's graduating in 5 months! Then what? Who knows! But what I do know is that God provides in very mysterious ways, and He seems to be opening many potential opportunities up for my husband.

If I can't get the house as clean as I want it, can't get the various projects done, can't get started couponing - that's really okay; it's not what I was really called to do. I was called to love the Lord, love and respect my husband and follow his leading our family. I think this "odd" week so far has been God's gentle reminder of those things. I knew this little nudging in my mind wasn't just so I could go around feeling discontent, this little discontented feeling was my humanness trying to take over.

All that said, I welcome advice! All you seasoned wives out there who have juggled working full-time yet somehow managing to be a domestic goddess - how do YOU do it?? I would love to share tips and tricks and learn and grow from other women! Thank GOD He calls us to be in fellowship!

xoxo